Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Future for Oklahoma Students

Today I was rummaging about Big Bossmans Magical Crap Closet looking for a slot-blotter, and I found something a little more unusual.

A crystal ball.

Being a naturally curious individual, and hoping to find the slot-blotter, I wasted no time peering into the crystal balls smoky core. Of all the things I could have possibly seen, the image that appeared was an +A essay by a future Oklahoma eighth grader:

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1

6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.

14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.

20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.

24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.

26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

DO NOT WANT. You can still stop this future from happening...


Darek said...

After looking at the creationist 'science fair' projects I think your version of the future is pretty optimistic. And thanks for the lol.

Cieling kitteh can haz tenyur?

Torbjörn said...

Ceiling Cat haz teribul nerd talk all dayz. W00t! But iz good.

HalfMooner said...

I like the future you outline, too. I think Ceiling Cat is one hell of a better deity than Yahweh. At least It no eated the peeps.

I would much rather trust even the cruelest cat than a known bigot, sadist, and genocidal maniac like that Yahweh fellow. We know Ceiling Cat is likely to keep us around to open cans. That's a stable symbiotic relationship, unlike our relationship with the predator/parasite deity of the Bible.

Steve said...

There is an entire LOLCat Bible being written as a wiki project, here:

Here is Genesis 1:

Steve said...

LOLCat Bible main page:

LOLCat Bible Genesis 1:

They are looking for translators!

alloy said...

Isn't this like the movie Idiocracy?


It certainly seems to describe my country

Oldfart said...

Have any of you actually read this law? Are you aware that a similar law has been enacted in Texas and has been on the books for awhile? That, so far, there have been no constitutional attacks on the Texas law?

I think you need to read the law. I am not fond of it but there has been some gross misrepresentations and knee-jerk reactions put forth on the science blogs in general.

I think there are real problems with the law but none of them have to do with the kinds of things you all seemed focussed on. I'm much more concerned with the aspects of the law that enable brain-washed religious students to spout their nonsense in the public school forum itself. There is no provision in the law that states 1+1=Creation is a legitimate answer to a question. But there are provisions that would allow religious students to make religious announcements.

Jay said...

I, for one, welcome our new lolcat overlords.

V. H. said...

From one old fart to another:

There is at least one law suit in Texas now against a local school board. The Law in Texas was only passed last year. As the Dallas Morning News editorialized last year: "Watch the Lawsuits Come Rolling In." Even attorneys for local Texas school boards have told board members that they can not advise them on how to interpret the law, instead bring them a specific case and then maybe they can offer some advice.

The Law in Texas is IDENTICAL to the one in Oklahoma and was thoroughly analyzed by Americans United for Separation of Church and State, Texas Freedom Network, Texas Academy of Science, etc. and many (maybe not all) of the concerns expressed here and on other science blogs are correct - the slickly worded bill is a Trojan horse that would allow religion into not only science courses, but into other places where it would be unconstitutional.

Those subscribers to the Oklahoma Evolution List Serve have received details and links to specific discussions of the hidden problems, especially to those emanating from Texas Citizens for Science.

True, about half of the bill only codifies what is already permissible under current laws and constitutional interpretations. Thus, why include it at all? To help obfuscate the REAL purpose to an ignorant public. Indeed, the proponents of the bill in the Oklahoma House (all Republicans)only mentioned that the bill only 'codified' what was now done. I listened to the 'debate' in the House and was amazed at the lies. Opponents were very limited in time and number of questions permitted by the Republican chair.

Finally, consider who drafted the bill - a firm of fundamentalist religious attorneys in Plano, Texas, who want the same bill spread throughout the U.S. It is now in the Arizona legislature, a similar one in Florida, etc.

Oldfart said...

Ron Paul, a noted fellow traveler with white supremist groups and a Libertarian, has none-the-less crafted HR 3835, a great anti-Bush, pro-constitution bill. The source of the bill does not come into play. It is the text of the bill that does. Show me where it says in the bill that a student can answer a question such as "How old is the earth?" with the answer "6000 years" and get away with it. I have read through the bill and cannot find that at all. However, should that same student use his/her summer adventures at Bible camp as subject matter for the typical: "What did you do last summer?" essay, he/she/it will not be penalized as has been done by overly PC teachers and administrators in the past.

I agree that some of the other parts of the bill are, as I stated earlier, much more problematic.

Reynold said...

Just hope like hell that this doesn't become part of the exam!

Anonymous said...

This has nothing to do with the post, but I think ERV should update her old blog.


We <3 you, ERV!!!

ERV said...



Anonymous said...

The w00t link?