Saturday, March 15, 2008

EAC-- Project Maotai

Last night I was hanging out with some super sweet folks from the cell bio department, and I accidentally stumbled upon a perfect plan to 'dispose of' Christopher Hitchens should he start going a little too crazy. I call it 'Project Maotai.'

is a Chinese rice wine-- like saki or whatever, I guess. Its considered a lovely gift for someone 'higher up' than you, so Chinese post-docs frequently give Dr. Cell Bio bottles of it for gifts.

Minor problem.

It smells and tastes like butt hole.

So as a joke, Dr. Cell Bio gave me a shot of Maotai just to see me gag... But I loved it! Warm, spicy flavor and an unearthly (literally painful) kick. It was like a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster-- LUV!

Some people in the room declared that we couldnt be friends anymore. The fact I liked Maotai grossed them out too much (their gag reflexes were kicking in just watching me drink it).

So here is the EAC plan, should Hitchens get too unruly: I innocently challenge him to a drinking contest. Weapon, Maotai. He cannot win. The EAC survives.


Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be easier to just smash his brains out with a small slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick?


Janine said...

Sadly, Abbie, there is a major flaw in your plan. In order to have a chance of this to work, Hitchens needs to be sober.

I know from my own experience, when drunk enough, one could drink almost anything. Near the end of one night of general mayhem, I got the bright idea idea of making a drink, one half vodka and one half whiskey. It tasted great! The next day, I was able to remember that I came up with this great drink. So I tried it again when I was sober. I gagged on it. Never tried the concoction again.

In order for the plan to work, Hitchens must not be too drunk. Then you better hope he does not share your taste for drink.

Torbjörn said...

Ah, rice wine! Yes, sometimes bad, sometimes good - always interesting. Quite like Hitchens, and no, I don't think you can win a drinking contest with a professional.

Can't you just challenge him to a minion contest? I don't think Hitchens can haz minions.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. that's what that is?

A group of us moved into our new student dive and found a bottle of Mystery Booze. Being student-types we tried some. It was one of the most repulsive things I've ever tasted; just the smell is enough to make me gag. We keep it around for occasions where giving someone a shot of fermented hell is justified.

Now I know what we've been poisoning people with.

Mister DNA said...

I'm with Janine on this. Hitchens strikes me as the type who could drink a Gray Snail and ask for seconds.

Oddly enough, I couldn't find an online definition of "Gray Snail", but found a "Gray Snail Saloon" located in Tulsa.

I'll bet that at least on other reader will know what it is...

HalfMooner said...


You fool. Never challenge a Brit to a drinking contest.

Believe me. This is the chastened voice of experience.

Krubozumo Nyankoye said...


First time posting anything to your blog after reading it for a few months. This one tempted me though, an opportunity to "correct" you in a small way.

I don't do "squishy" science, I'm a hardrock geologist, but I love the way you take apart the Icons of IDiocy.

Maotai is not a "wine", it is a liquer, distilled from fermented sorghum. Wiki even has an entry for it:

Frankly, I find it rather good, though potent to be sure.

As the saying goes in my field, 'paleontologists drink anything fermented, geologists drink anything distilled'.

Keep up the good work. Those who lie for jebus deserve nothing but ridicule. Do good science, live with your eyes wide open...


monado said...

I'm still trying to guess why the Editors' Association of Canada would want to assasinate a literate fellow like Hitchens.

Do you think "mai tais" were originally made with maotai?

60srad said...

I had Maotai in 1987 while attending a party at the home of a Stonybrook Computer Science professor. A Chinese student had brought it and offered a taste to those attending. I enjoyed the taste, not put off by the brake-fluid can it came in, while several other people compared it to jet fuel, which makes me wonder about their drinking habits. :)

I was subletting from a Taiwanese couple at the time. When I mentioned the Maotai, I was told that it's illegal in Taiwan.