Wednesday, November 07, 2007

LOL! Baptists

WHOO!! Theres nothing that turns a bad week good like unexpected interactions with Creationists!! Checked my school e-mail this morning to find out the Baptist students were bringing in a speaker to present the topic "Comparative Immunology and the Quest to Understand our Origins." Unfortunately I read this email in class, and appeared to randomly burst out in giddy laughter, but luckily I already warned this prof I was going to be a bit off today, and I think he just thinks I REALLY like EGF receptors...

I was so excited because any time you see the words 'Baptist' and 'origins' together, you know youre in for a real Creationist treat. Though they have no Pope, the official Baptist stance is that 'Evilution is a Lie.' So I Googled the dude, Donald Ewert, and look where I found him:

So after class, a classmate and I told our mentors we were going to 'an immunology seminar' and trotted off to see how everything we had been learning in class was a lie. OMG you guys, I dont think Ive ever laughed this hard for an entire hour. Few opening observations:
  • They provided lunch. Normally there are lots of vegetarians in the research world, so usually these things have pizza/wraps/something where they could get a veggie alternative. NOT THE BAPTISTS! The knew I was an outsider from the get-go cause I wouldnt eat their ham and roast beef sandwiches from Arbys. So for lunch I had Wal-Mart cookies. I had to take almost an entire sleeve because they were all melted together. Note to self: Never expect decent food from Baptists again.
  • As I was waiting in line for my Wal-Mart cookies, I noticed the girl in front of me had a keychain on her backpack "BIG BANG THEORY: GOD SAID BANG! AND IT WAS BIG!" I know my dear readers have as dirty of a mind as I do, so go ahead and go there.
  • It was like "Romper Room" in reverse. "I dont see Curtis! I dont see Kristen! I dont see Sushma!" There was no one there from our department except me and my friend. I dont think there was even anyone from the Graduate College-- though the school is huge, everyone was in scrubs/white jackets, so they were med/dental/nursing students. Ugh.
  • Dude almost had to use my Macbook (with all my Behe shit on the desktop) because his animations werent Windows compatible. Alas, I didnt have a DIV-VGA cord, so no help from me, and no animations for the presentation.
And then the presentation. The presentation, you guys... HYSTERICAL!
  • He became interested in this topic because of the Dover Trial. He is an expert because he has 'read books for several months.'
  • The Dover Trial was in 2003.
  • Those devious prosecutors did a literature dump on poor Behe! Behe didnt have time to read those papers! Why would Behe be familiar with any of those publications?
  • Since there are no 'intermediates' alive, we cant test evolution.
  • Phylogenetic trees are a fraud. You can make them do anything.
  • Quote mines.
  • Evilutionists think V-D-J came about when a bacteria infected the germ line of a shark. Note: this wasnt a momentary mis-speak-- this guy didnt know the difference between bacteria and retroviruses.
  • Throws Judge Jones under the bus.
  • Galileo Gambit
  • Andrew Antony Flew Gambit. Seriously, that was his closer. Came out of left field.
I was in pain the entire hour from Wal-Mart cookies and laughing at this guys presentation. It was SOOO bad! Not just the usual Creationist gambits, it was extraordinarily dumb! You probably could have gotten one of those Baptist spawn in scrubs to give that exact same presentation. LOL!! Good times with Baptists!


Jon Voisey said...

Why can't more creationists come to KU so I can attend their ramblings?


Tyler DiPietro said...


It's too bad I already used that "motion of the ocean" line on he who shall remain nameless a few weeks back, it would've come in handy here.

"Phylogenetic trees are a fraud. You can make them do anything."

Dude, he's totally right! Just yesterday I made a phylogenetic tree alternatively sit and play dead for five hours straight. And then it turned all kinds of colors. Or was I just high...

ERV said...

Jon-- OMG I say 'Sad Panda' all the time and everyone just thinks Im on crack! ROFL!!

hehehe My classmate started bitching about being in OK with all the Creationists and I was like "Hey, there are poor kids in Finland that would LOVE to be where youre sitting right now. To them, Creationists are like dragons or unicorns. They would LOVE to be eating a Creationist for lunch so dont you bitch!"


Qzerty said...

I really just don't get it. Why does each little sect cling so strongly to its tenets? Why are Baptists not mortally confused by Catholics' refusal to wear condoms?

It was my experience that once "inside," no one asked these questions. They were decided upon, you were there! and that's what mattered.

I have a Baptist friend. He takes it all, hook line and sinker. What the hell is wrong with these people? His most pressing theological quandary is way further down the chain of Calvinism than most people will get before going insane. You're not buying a cell phone contract here, you can choose your own options people.

I tell you what though, it's not even that their leaders are smart. It's just the nature of the beast. Christianity has survived precisely because it makes these decisions for them: stay conservative, nothing has changed, deny deny deny. And admitting evolution is probably true is indeed the first step to exposing the whole game.

Nick said...

That immune system cross of Behe *really* bugs them. For so long they've been yammering about the scientific literature, the lack of evidence, follow the evidence where it leads, etc. When someone actually calls their bluff they've got nothing left, 'cause lack-of-literature was always the backup-backup-backup argument for why the evolution of IC systems was improbable.


I *so* hope they reenact that bit in the Nova show, we'll see...

The Factician said...

And who says living in the south isn't good fun. I've seen nary a sign of a creationist up here. They keep better hidden, I guess...

Dustin said...


That isn't all that impressive. I hear he uses a pump.

Blake Stacey said...

In Egyptian mythology, Atum-Ra created the universe by jacking off. Some versions say that he had sex with his shadow, while others indicate that he fellated himself.

Anybody who says that gods have grown more sophisticated in the last four thousand years is a damn liar. All the pietas of Europe are renditions of Isis and Horus, just made lily-white. Jesus is Tammuz and Osiris, warmed over, with a touch of blood sacrifice.

Vodyanoj said...

Awesome, but for one nitpick: *Andrew* Flew? surely he (or was it you) meant Antony?

Art said...

Hmmm... Ewert signed DI's anti-evilution pledge. It lists him as: "Donald Ewert Ph.D. Microbiology University of Georgia."

A microbiologist who doesn't know the difference between a bacteria and a retrovirus? I'm a mere retired phone company computer repairman, and even I knew better. In fact, I first learned about retroviruses in a science fiction novel!

Baptist belief must destroy brain cells, like an injection of azide-laced buffer. Beware, Abbie, maybe they put Baptist azide in the Walmart cookies.


Art said...

Weird, Ewert is also shown to be at the Wistar Institute at the University of Pennsylvania. He's (if it's the same guy) the publisher of their journal, "Scientific Report."

(Check photo in that paper, Abbie, and see if that's the idiot who spoke for the Baptists.)


Art said...

Uh, still researching, but it seems Wistar has connections to the "OPV AIDS hypothesis." Wondering what kind of woos we have here...

You probably know this stuff better than I, Abbie, but I'll post whatever I find.


Art said...

Sorry, the Wistar "connection" I thought I was seeing was probably a coincidence. I think Wistar was simply involved in a polio vaccine distribution in Africa that (I think) is mentioned by the OPV AIDS crowd as a possible vector for HIV. I don't now see any way this makes Ewert's association with Wistar significant.

Damn, I wish I had a brain!


Reverted said...

Well... apparently, God likes to answer spam email.

And, their promises also apparently work-out for him---what with being so "big" and all, and presumably even further supported by Viagra/Cialis/etc.

Perhaps God is afflicted with priapism?

Hmmm... That actually sounds like a pretty good explanation for "the problem of suffering", with which Christians routinely wrestle. Who could blame God for letting things go rather awry down here when he's distracted by a painful, eternal boner?

Doppelganger said...

Phylogenetic trees are a fraud. You can make them do anything.

I wonder if the folks in Wistar's Bioinformatics Section agree with that assessment...

James F. McGrath said...

I just want to say (as a Baptist) that I am rather ashamed that a group bearing that label would bring a speaker promoting this sort of nonsense to campus.

I can only assume they were Southern Baptists... :)

Bayesian Bouffant, FCD said...

Is that Donald L. Ewert? Could the primary author of

Enumeration of Bacteriophages and Host Bacteria in Sewage and the Activated-Sludge Treatment Process Ewert & Paynter, (1980) Appl. Environ Microbiol., 39(3) 576-583

really not know the different between viruses and bacteria? That would be sad. Anyway, if he's a Creationist, he's still working with "activated sludge."

David said...

Nutin’ as fun as stereotyping them bumpkin Baptists! You forgot the part about how we all have three rows of buck teeth. Did the speaker get any tabbackie juice on his white suit?

Anonymous said...

Nutin’ as fun as stereotyping them bumpkin Baptists!

Yeah right they think there's invisible angels flying around all over the place and Jesus flies up into the sky like a magic birdie!! Nobody would make fun of such a thing.

firemancarl said...

"He is an expert because he has 'read books for several months"

Wow, so this guy has taked to my wifes father huh? he's an expert too-insert rolling eyes here-whenever you bring up a subject he knows it all. He argued with a Oncologist that his wife had cancer because and this is a real quote here "I have studied cancer for years! I know she has it"

To paraphrase the olde saying Great Morons Think A Like!