Monday, August 20, 2007

Cost of ERVs soul: 2 cookies

I officially became a student today. I had a couple of classes last week, but class didnt officially start until today. Considering my day usually consists of multitasking about 5 different experiments in three different buildings, calling my behavior in class today "ADHD" is an understatement. THREE hours I was sitting in lecture. And by sitting, I mean 'fidgeting, messing with my pens/paper/phone/etc, and changing positions every 2.5 seconds'. Holy crap I cannot handle this 'sitting still and listening' thing anymore!

However, one really funny thing happened today. I am pleased to report to you all that Biblos treat grad/medical/dental/pharm/nursing students exactly like four year olds. Today I was accosted in the union by Baptists.

Me: ........ "What is it?"
Me, peering in the bag: (Goddammit. Cookies. White chocolate Macadamia.) "AW THANK YOUUUU SOOOO MUUUUUCH!!"

I also got a free dinner, should I choose to accept it, at their Bible Study. And a bottle of bubbles that says "DONT BLOW OFF CHURCH!" HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I dont blow off church, but church can blow... hehehe never mind.

But I did learn a valuable lesson from these baking Baptists: dont just hand out cookies to promote your ideology or message. Even people who violently disagree with you will take your cookies. And then theyll make fun of you on their blog. Save the cookies for your real friends.



Anonymous said...

You think the way chocolate and macadamia nuts go together in cookies is just an accident? You think those things just evoluted before baking was invented? Think again, Darwin's Groupie.

PS. You aren't a real student till you cut lectures and photocopy a friend's notes.

Hume's Ghost said...

There was a (or multiple, not sure) fundamentalist Christian cults that existed on my college campus. I have a deep familiarity with their tactics because I was approached by them and watched them operate more times than I count.

I still get pissed off thinking about how they try to bring in new recruits to the cult. They operate off a script: they look for a student by his/her self ... if the student is wearing a shirt that says a location they'll approach and ask where they're from, if not they make some kind of asinine conversation... its the same every time. "What's your major. What year on you. Do you live on campus. Do you like volleyball? We're playing volleyball on Friday. Then we're going to do some praying."

Bastards are relentless. Some guy asked to work in with me while I was dumb bell presses and then started asking me about Jesus.

One time I cussed out one of them after he approached me on the street while I was walking to class and said, "hey man, don't I know you from the gym?"

"no, mother f_cker you don't know me from the god d_amn gym ... leave me the F_ck alone ... I'm tired of you mother f_ckers spitting the same tired bullshit at me in an attempt to get me into your f_cking cult and brainwash me"

The twit "knew" me from the gym in the sense that he was doing what he was trained to do - go into the gym and get people to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior - one day, saw me on an excercise bike (I was warming up before my workout) came and got on the bike next to me and made some comment about how awesome my workouting was ... at that point I got the impression that he was hitting on me; in the multiple multiple times I've had one of the culties approach me I've almost always at first gotten a vibe that I'm being hit on before I realize a second later it's another creep from the cult who is indeed hitting on me - but for Jesus. So anyways, I got off the bike and went to do my workout and I see out of the corner of my eye the guy walk over to one of my buddies who was already working out on the leg press and say the same thing.

So that's how he "knew" me. And I must confess that part of the reason that I snapped (asides this being the 100th time someone hit me with the routine) was that he had shaved his head in the couple of days since the gym incident and just oozed "I just got sucked into a cult and now they're sending me out to suck other in". But what really upsets me is that I fully understand how they operate: that they seek to exploit students who feel lonely and lost on a large college campus, which is why they target students who are by themselves.

In addition to these student zombies that prowled the campus 24/7 were the nutcases that marched around the student center during the day pretty much everyday of the year telling people they were going to hell for getting a secular education and for fornicating and drinking. I still rememberd vividly walking by one day and seeing some tool carrying a sign that read: "Friends don't let friend be gay - Leviticus" while shouting some gays are going to hell b.s. and wanting to kick the guy squarely in the balls.

Hume's Ghost said...

Oh, I should add - I didn't immediately start cussing the guy out. There were some intermediary dialogue that consisted of me being perfunctorily cordial to the guy until he slipped into the script which always ends with an invitation to play volleyball or flagfootball or something else and pray.

It's hard to convey how dirty and manipulative this tacic comes across as when its being done to you and you understand that you're being confronted by someone who has been trained by others on how to attempt to approach someone and trick them into meeting with a cult.

Anonymous said...

Most of the people on my campus know not to bother me with that bullshit (having a reputation since middle school as a psycho-outcast actually comes in handy once in a while). If they do they can expect to have their intellectual colons stomped by my massive foot of logic.

Outside of an academic environment, I just wear a warning sign. I usually alternate between metal t-shirts with Satanic slogans on them to let people know I'll have no truck with proselytizing morons. (The Cradle of Filth "Jesus is a Cunt" classic would come in handy there, but I got rid of it since it's offensive to women as well, and I don't do collateral damage).

Anonymous said...

By the way, sorry to be so self-aggrandizing in the above post. If necessary I will retract the last metaphor and change it to "Drop my massive testicles of logic onto the only partially developed intellectual child back of religion."

Yeah, I'm just being stupid. Don't mind me...

The Factician said...

And here I thought you were going to say that you sold your soul to grad school for a cookie. There were a lot of free cookies when I was in grad school...

Anonymous said...

Just think of it as saving other potential victims from being seduced by those cookies. You're doing them a real favour.

ERV said...

quantok-- Small classes. Cant do it. Blech.

Hume-- I think I was blacklisted in undergrad. I said no to a Kampus Krusade Kid early in my education, and they left me alone?

Tyler-- I could easily pass as a Mormon to casual observers. Bossman would get a kick out of me wearing a heavy metal shirt, though, so might be worth it :P

factician-- I didnt enter school with the other kids. I went straight into the micro department. They get shirts, water bottles, cookies, I dont get crap!
So I gotta be happy with the Baptist cookies.

vwx-- Actually, the bubbles turned out to be the sweet deal- Arnie FREAKS OUT over the bubbles! Cutest damn thing Ive seen in my entire life. Its gotta be in the top three.

Chris Harrison said...

Someone mentioned cookies?

I've not been accosted by religionists on my campus. I think I would just stare blankly at them, and then begin drooling.

People usually don't like that.

ERV said...

Chris, you know about this, right? Might have a few more trained recruits on your campus in the near future! YAAAAAAY!

Chris Harrison said...



Dallas is a good 2.5 hours from Austin though. I think I'm safe.

If they come to my campus though, I'll tell them they should turn around, because there is a virology lab not that far north, and a girl there would really like to hear about creationism and the Bible.

: )

Bob O'Hara said...

I never had problems with the religious folks, but I was once chased around a Fresher Fair by a Morris dancer with a large stick.


Anonymous said...

(Yeah it's an old post)

I read it really quick I saw: