Monday, April 09, 2007

lol! What would Jesus eat?

Haha! Perfect timing, on MSNs part! I was just about to write about God diets!

I went to a local health-food store this weekend to pick up some liquid vitamin goop. As some of you may or may not know, Im really into body building and powerlifting. Really. Me. And in the past 6 months or so, with the stress of moving/getting Arnie/running Arnie 6 miles a day/being sick... Ive accidentally lost 15 pounds. When youre already muscular-skinny, losing 15 pounds kinda makes you look like an anorexic Xena, so Ive been looking into ways of pumping more healthy calories into my diet. So, thats why I went to the health food store.

It was a nice little place, chock full of the overpriced snake oils that you come to expect from health-food stores, but I knew what I was shopping for. I could skip right past the liver flushes and prostate cancer cures. Made my way to the checkout for my overpriced liquid zoysia, and the kind ol shop keep put a ton of fliers in my sack (just in case there was some form of potion I didnt know I needed).

Thank GOD he did! Uuuuugh!!! As a fitness enthusiast, I really get angry at people like Dr. Phil/the Ab Doer/etc who take advantage of desperate people to make some $$$. Ugh. You know, the bb/diet industry is well known for their worthless supplements, but youd think 'Christians' would be above exploiting their 'beautiful faith' to sell crap to their fellow 'Christians'.

But hey, maybe they really do know what theyre doing! Lets see what they tell me to do to gain that 15 lbs back! Lemme fill out this little free health analysis! (Note, dont do this yourself-- the advice is shit and youll just get junk email too)
Okay, Question 1: "What is your main goal? lose weight, feel and look healthier, live a more spiritual life"
Hmm. Well, one and three are certainly not my goals. I guess 2? Wheres 'gain weight'?

Question 2: Erm, same question, in check box form... Not checking anything.

Question 3: "Which of the following is true about your lifestyle?"
"I'm usually in bed before midnight." Yup! And home by 1! Zing!
I have lots of relaxation time, I put red-heads to shame in the paleness department... uh oh. Not checking this next box is going to come back to haunt me "I incorporate prayer into my daily life." lol No!

Question 4: "Which of the following is true about your diet?"
hehehe Theyre going to hate this too-- I dont eat fast food or drink sugary drinks, but I eat non-organic food! GMO food! I drink a gallon of milk a week... milk from Wal-Mart! I am so screwed.
lol And I dont take a 'megavitamin' once a day. What the hell is a megavitamin? I bet Mr. Maker can sell me some megavitamins! Lets wait and see!

How is my health, according to God?
Good news everyone! Mr. Maker says Im doing great with sleep (I dont think the bot understood my joke...), relaxation, and sunlight! Alas, I need help with prayer :(

"Studies on the importance of prayer are becoming abundant. Hospitals across the land have bolstered their "prayer therapy" for the sick and recovering. By taking care of your physical and spiritual needs, you will be living the way that God intended. Let The Maker's Diet help you incorporate this vital element of health into your daily life."
Yeaaah, about that 'prayer therapy.' Um, it doesnt work. And when you tell a patient theyre being prayed for, they actually do worse than control groups. Turns out sick people freak out when their doctors ask complete strangers to pray for them. Yeah...

How is my diet, according to God?
OH I SO got pwned! I totally thought Mr. Maker was going to try to sell me megavitamins!
Vitamins and minerals that have not been incorporated into an organic matrix may actually be harmful to the body. It is better to supplement healthy food and beverage choices with living food supplements that are in a balanced form, which is easy for the body to absorb and utilize.
I TOTALLY forgot about the organic matrix! Duh! lol! Wait... waaaait.... BINGO! HAHAHA! I knew they wouldnt miss an opportunity to sell something!

Blech! Okay, some funny stuff from the article in my grocery sack-- When Mr. Maker first met his wife, he thought she was 'healthy' because she didnt eat chocolate. On the next page, 'Nicki' says that on one of their first dates, Mr. Maker brought her a box of chocolates, and she ate them all... Jesus doesnt have a problem with binging, evidently. Nicki, hon, eating an entire box of chocolate, by yourself, and telling everyone you dont eat chocolate, is an eating disorder.

Their list of things God doesnt want you to eat is really strange, too:
  • pork
  • shellfish and fish without fins and scales
  • hydrogenated oils
  • artificial sweeteners
  • white flour
  • white sugar
  • soft drinks
  • pasteurized and homogenized skim milk
  • corn syrup
  • hydrolyzed soy protein
  • artificial colors and flavors
  • excessive alcohol
Well, a couple make sense, Biblically. A couple make sense nutritionally. But... Jesus hates skim milk? Jesus hates soy protein? ROFL!!!

If any of you really want some diet/exercise advice, leave a comment-- Ill give you some tips for free, or point you in the direction of some reputable folks who can help. Even if youre Christian. Blech.


Tyler DiPietro said...

I'm actually lucky enough to be able to maintain a decent physical condition without adhering to any rigorous diet or exercise schedule. I lift weights, run frequently (I live on the coast right next to a popular boulevard, which helps in that area), and do a lot of physical labor. But when it comes to diet: not a chance. I habitually eat and drink the most unhealthy things available.

So far it hasn't shown up in any serious health issue, so I see no reason to amend it. ;)

Foxy said...

ERV, Warrior Scientist.

It could work.

I wish I had the focus to work out more and the patience to eat right. I start getting myself pumped up to go to the gym, and then I think, I wonder X about some math shiny Y, and then it's all down hill from there.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Jesus...

You have to see it. Looks like you could gain 15 pounds with that.

John said...

Am I the only person who, upon reading the article title ("Dieting with the Deity"), starting singing those words to the tune of Van Halen's "Running With the Devil?"

Chris Noble said...

What would Jesus eat?

Well that would depend on his blood group of course!

When James Cameron publishes his DNA analysis of Jesus' grave we'llk finally know.


ERV said...

Tyler-- Bleh Ive been eating a lot of garbage lately too, but Ive been running so much with Arnie that even that hasnt helped :( Though Arnie has still gotten kinda fat, eating nothing but puppy food... hmmm...

Foxy-- You know once you get in the habit, you just go. Its like taking a shower, you just do it.
I think the hardest part of getting started is figuring out what the hell to do, how to do it, and what to eat. Are squats good? Bad? Is my form right? Am I supposed to eat 2000 calories a day? 3000? 3000 of chicken? Milkshakes??? AHHHHHH!!!
You know, you could make math games out of calorie break downs (protein/carb/fat) and rep/set schemes :)

Anonymous-- I would pull a Nicki Maker and hide in a closet and eat that whole damn chocolate Christ.

Chris and John-- You two are bad :P

S E E Quine said...

` Aaa haa haaa haaaaa! That God! He's so silly!